What will be….
it’s the heart that mends
the beat of it tunes your steps
and then it slowly puts things back into focus
it’s the blood pumping through thin skin that pulls you to and fro
the dance of the two that may or may not
have or have not. IT
you can say what you will but the heart knows it’s limits and there are none
you can do what you want but the heart knows it’s rights and there are many
you do not have to apologise for loving
you do not have to excuse yourself from the table of my fears
i will sit with you and our hearts will beat
often. © Z. Harpe 2012
Living …Single???
I was told a few weeks back that I reminded someone of Erika Alexander’s character Maxine Shaw from the 90s show Living Single. I had not heard this comparison in years, so it prompted me to look think. It had be at least 5 years since anyone had said that to me and I had always assumed it was my styled locs more than anything else. Since then I have cut off said locs and now I am sporting baby locs for my new set that I am growing. I had to ask this person what exactly was it about me that reminded them of that character and was told “The way you talk.”
It’s funny because I had always likened the way that I spoke to my mom. It was her special influence that gave me the peppery attitude and quick wit that I pride myself as a conversationalist of sorts, and that was way before Maxine Shaw came on the scene. I often look at my husband watching Martin and I think, “He has seen so much of this show, he thinks he is Martin!” That’s what happened to the guys my age they all grabbed a little bit of Nino Brown, Martin, or Tupac and here is why dating at 30 something was a headache! But I digress. So, I watched a couple of episodes of Living Single just to get reaquainted, and I’ll be damned Maxine is the only character other than Queen Latifah’s character that I can even relate to.
So maybe I am a little influenced by Max; she was cool, funny, strong-headed, goal oriented and quasi feminine. I have subscribed to those adjectives at some point in my life. It was also interesting to me when I thought back to Max’s relationship with the character Kyle Barker and how their romance was classic love-hate. I can say that used to be my romantic life to a T! It took a lot of vulnerability to release those types of love-hate relating processes and attain ones of love-love.
So I guess I don’t mind reminding any one of Ms.Shaw. I’ve come a long way…Living …not so single now. I’m sure Maxine would have gotten here too. Peace.~z
Residue…
If you are anything like me, you probably have a phone full of contacts and actually talk to about ten of the hundreds of people in your phone regularly. I am a great texter! Ninety percent of my phone relationships are text relations. I am a decent social networking friend, sixty percent of my relationships are on FB or Twitter.
I know a lot of people would not count those relating processes that are not up close and personal as friends, but I am not a lot of people. I enjoy the connections I make online and I love that fact that I can stay connected via social networking sites. I am always witnessing the grand declaration on FB of deleting of friends and people who no longer matter …blah blah blah. I am usually simultaneously perplexed and annoyed by the announcements. It often leads me to silently debating whether I should delete said offender but honestly I don’t. I just continue to be annoyed with that person until I get over it. You see, I eventually get to a point where I comprehend that momentary disruption of thought in my FB feed as necessary to one’s growth, I understand that people go through changes, just like me.
So here I am looking through my phone and I have contacts of people I rarely speak to but I keep their numbers just in case. Right??? I mean they once were significant enough to warrant the time it takes to add them to my IPhone, which is not the simplest of tasks, and of course I have backed their information up to my Mac, it’s just really a big commitment to me. I figure, if I didn’t want their information I would have never exchanged information with them in the first place. Right???
Every now and then I go on calling sprees. I call everyone in my phone to catch up or let them know that I think of them and wish them well. When I get an actual person the result is so great! I often get off the phone saying, I’m gonna call him/her more often. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t and it has nothing to do with the person. The commitment I make around our relationship is up to me. I am comfortable with that.
What I often realize is that the moment where we connected lives on. It was that moment that I felt the need to have something tangible of that person that I exchanged information with them. And regardless of whether we talk or not, text occasionally, or even FB or tweet each other, I VALUE them. I value their existence enough not to delete them from my phone, my life, my FB, or my memories.
It’s the residue of the moments that we share with one another that makes the reconnecting so individually great! If I don’t speak to you in ten years and I see you again, I have that moment and sure we could have expounded upon the original moment and had more memories
and maybe we will….
In time.~z
Zoha on …FEEDBACK! (by zohaslight)
Feedback is subject to personal experience and relevance. Ya Dig!~z
The Matrix
For the last few years my husband has been asking me if I wanted to sell our home and I would say vehemently “No!” Growing up as a foster kid in DC, consisted of a lot of moving and that was not fun for me. I often was removed from a foster home within the drop of a hat, without explanation. Most times I wasn’t allowed back into the home and I was just carted off to the next family where my “things” would meet me. So yea I kinda hated moving. But something changed this year when he asked, I said, “Okay, sure.” I don’t know what the shift was, but here I was supporting my husband and trusting this new thing already.
In less than a week after this brief conversation, we put our house on the market and went shopping. We saw a lot of houses, some nice some not so nice; but then one day we went to this one house and my spirit just sang! I told my husband in no uncertain terms, “I want THIS house.” It wasn’t extravagant like anything off of MTV Cribs, but it was me. Does that show still come on?
Anyway, I was excited! I called all my close friends and told them about the house and we were moving and blaahhhhhh. You get the point. Guess what though??? We didn’t get the house! Yep, no go. So on to the next one right and we were. We kept shopping and periodically my husband would check up on that house to see if it came back on the market and guess what though? One day it did and for less than it was originally! YES!!! So here we are again hoping and wishing and praying for this lovely home, in this beautiful neighborhood. I guess this is sort of a success story, it’s the kind that if you have a dream you might get a second chance to make it come true.
You see, in life I usually find myself at a road. That road may have one, two, three or more paths. Here is where it gets foggy for most, especially me. Before I start some of the paths I take, I have no idea what I want the out come to be, I only have in mind the obstacles of those paths. This is something that I do, I choose something based on my perceived ease. Wow! Man even typing that was hard.
Usually my perceptions are right and even then I am frustrated at the amount of difficulty that I endured at the end. But get this, I had no expectation this time other than a beautiful home that was closer to my friends and family. That’s it! No difficulty, no drama, nothing! What I know now is, it’s how I start down the path that dictates the circumstances and outcomes of the path. Yea that’s it. Its like I finally understand all of those Matrix quotes that I love to quote.
Morpheus: You have to let it all go, Zoha. Fear, doubt, and disbelief. Free your mind.
Zoha: I see.
Just like that!
I have had a few incidences this week that would qualify as GREAT luck to some people. However, I know that it is time, MY time. Long story short, I first had to go to a doctors appointment earlier in the week. I forgot the time, so I called the office the day before and the receptionist told me my appointment was scheduled for 11am. So imagine my surprise when I showed up at the office at 10:45 and I was told that my appointment was actually at 1pm.
I did not argue, I did not explain the mistake that was made, I simply sat down in the lobby and pulled out my book to enjoy. I was going in for a GYN exam because I had been diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer 3 years ago, that is now in remission. I never know what procedures I am going to need, so I bring a book to distract me from what is usually painful and uncomfortable. Unbeknownst to me, my nurse called my doctor to see if she could see me earlier than planned and the answer was “YES!” The best part was yet to come! Not only did I not have to wait, but when my doc got there, she informed me that I no longer needed the invasive procedures of the past. I was given a clean bill of health!
The next day, I awoke and called my sister, she was in the process of getting her long form birth certificate to apply for her passport. Now this has been on my to do list for 3 years! I was so inspired by her, that I jumped up and took the 1 hour drive to the city to pick up my birth certificate. Not having this birth certificate was the only thing standing in my way of having a passport. The thought of sitting in a government building waiting while an automated system spouts out numbers just grinds my spirit into non action. When I arrived, every thing about the process was so easy. I found parking in a snap and that is no easy feat in DC. I was in and out of the office in under an hour! Everyone from the security at the front of the building, to the government workers who processed my request were more than pleasant! I was just elated with my experience.
The next morning, I stayed committed to my course of action and called the nearest post office to schedule an appointment to apply for my passport. All I heard the postal worker ask was “How is today at noon?” I was like, “That’s super!” And it was.
What I experience and understand is when I trust and believe myself; I align my spirit for the results of my endeavors to be positive and easy.
Now have I had other moments like this? Yes, I have. But the difference is I was not open to the possibility of my life being easy from that point on. Now I am.
I choose ease.
I choose ease without hesitation or reflection.
I choose me.
Until next time, MY time.~z
