// Shit people say to me…//

He said
You’re different
And I thought
You’re right.
I’m alive.

(c) Zoha Harpe 2014

// Entry 1//

It’s been awhile since I wrote a piece about life so here goes…

I’m learning somethings lately about myself. All of them lead back to my relating process with my mom. It’s a pretty tangled web. So long story short. I had a split childhood 50/50 my moms house and foster care. I endured a lot of abuse as a child from my mother. However, I still remain in contact and I am clear that I love my mother and want to have a valuable relationship with her. 

The dilemma: As she is my first example of how to love, I always find myself recreating this scenario in my life. I have the type of mother who is not about to admit any wrong doing even though there is evident and fact based realities that I now live with because of her neglect and abuse. I’ve come to terms with that…and I have yet to figure out how to love someone and leave when they are not ideal for me. I will instead manipulate myself into an impossible position to maintain to make them feel good. Of course this always backfires! So the most recent incident that took place, only took me a month to rectify. It was the most intense and anxiety ridden experience that I have had in my life. 

I technically know what is happening when it begins. I understand the processes that I am experiencing and yet…here I am.

Hopefully I will be able to spot this situation a lot sooner from now on and eventually work to just end it from the gate.

It’s been a heavy day. I don’t know, I needed to vent….


// I think I need love rehab.//

Sometimes I confuse hi with “I do”.

// Epiphany //

I’m getting closer
my tongue can’t rest in its place
my heart beats like a drum
warning me against my falseness
I almost let me trick me
Believing I can love you
in spite of me
that kind of “love” has no place here 
I’m getting closer
No more making myself small
I’m big and bright and shiny
That’s why you came to me
to sit in my warmth
I have it to spare
but I’m learning 
That I don’t get to stay 
where I’m not honored
I’m getting closer
Thank you for the memory
Moments are what they are
and when they’re done 
I haven’t lost
because I have more
I always have more 
to give
My story does not end with you 
It begins with me
I’m getting closer
This is why seashells leave the sea
Why birds fly
Why butterflies only live for a season 
Why wolves howl at the moon
Why my heart is not a wound but a space of boundless energy 
and honestly
it’s scared me just a bit
because I know the phenomenon of it
Is going to release me
I can feel it coursing through my body 
I’ve been tamed
and now I’m unleashed
I’m getting closer
To me. 

© Zoha Harpe 2014

// Undone.//

What do you want love
How many hearts are enough
how many tears must be shed
How much time spent
how many words exchanged
What do you want
My heart will hold you
Wrap you in warmth
aide you in your stability
I’m not here to tear at you
You can stop breathing hard
stop fighting
Or is that what you want
a reason to push me away
You don’t have to be accountable for my feelings
They are there with or without you 
My love for you is not about proximity
Or access
My love for you is for you
you want it
Egos and love don’t mix
So again
I say what do you want love
Find it. 
search your soul and get back to me
I’ve got time. 

© Zoha Harpe 2014

One big heart hug from me to you.~z